yourwords

Poetry is something I don’t want to admit to doing. I have another blog, a secret blog, where I hide all my words of angst and cheese. Some people can pull off subtle, graceful, poetry. I can’t. The only reason I write poetry is to find clarity. Sanity’s not so bad either. Now I can only hope that no one finds that blog. Its embarrassing enough to admit that it exists. What’s nice about writing the poetry id that it makes me realize just how cheesy I can be when I’m emotional. Words are kind of my favortite thing, and figuring out where to put them is a hobby. I think, at least I hope, that I can do it well. So, when it comes around to making my piddly problems seem profound, I get into it. Then I get sick of what I’ve written down, and I feel better, leaving the emotions there.

Prompt:

Things can be said in the heat of the moment, they can even be meant genuinely. But everything changes. Can you expect yourself to mean it forever? Does this mean you should really watch what you say, incase it wont be true tomorrow? When something is true today but not later on, does that make it any less true today? Sometimes I wonder. Another thing to consider is that when you’ve heard someone say something that you were waiting to hear, can you really hold onto it even if it’s no longer true, but was at the time? It made me so happy to hear when it was said. It makes me happy to remember. You can’t live in memories though. That moment is over, so should the happiness that the moment produced also cease? Part of me thinks that this is a simple answer, or should be, but I don’t know. It’s a conundrum. And if it isn’t, I want you to write why it’s simple.   

Dreams are a fountain of creative possibilities. For example: say I have a character faced with an unpredictable emotional situation, that they were handling very well. To avoid coming out and saying “Hey look! *Sally* is remarkably calm about the uncertainty in *so-and-so* relationship!” I could write that she has a dream in which she sees two tornadoes reeking havoc near by, with trees and house parts being flung all over the place- the debris nearly missing her. But, from the window, she can also see a very calm and lovely lake that is even closer, unaffected by the destruction. Add in a game of poker with a firefighter, and the symbolic yet believable dream is complete. (by the way, firefighters and poker are very symbolic too. anything in a dream could mean something significant.) I’m excited just thinking about it. All these creative possibilities! No wonder I was dreaming about eggs last night! ;) Eggs=fertility, creative or otherwise

In case you were wondering–> this is my new favorite dream website. And this is my old favorite dream website. Happy symbol hunting!

Prompt:

Do you dream? The key to having fulfilling and symbol rich dreams is to de-stress during the day. When I can’t sit down for two minutes without feeling the urge to go and do something else, my dreams are wispy and practically useless. When I can let go, and take some moments for myself, then I sleep deeply, and dream crazy little dreams full of mostly-reassuring messages.

I’ve said this before, but some of the best stories are birthed in dreams. Like the other night when I had a dream that I worked in a cookie shop at a renaissance fair, and fell in love with my silent co-worker who turned out to be half-dragon. This time, take that plot filled dream and analyze it, so that you can write down what it means for you as a character in the story of your life.

For instance, dreaming about fairs or festivals means that the dreamer has just passed through an ordeal in their life. To dream about dragonsmeans that the dreamer has a tendency to give in to their emotions. To fall in love in one’s dream means one is finding peace and contentment within themselves, and the world around them. See? That’s a semi-reassuring synopsis.

Some people give straightforward answers, whether it might hurt your feelings or not. On one hand, I’m grateful to those people when I see their true opinion, and on the other hand I scoff at their lack of courtesy. People say only a true friend will tell you whats up, and I think it’s true that only some people understand you and want to know you enough to actually look to see what’s there beneath the surface. I’d like to think I cherish people, but honestly I try my best not to offend them, which means I try my best not to see who they are- in case I should overstep some boundary.

My ‘true’ friends pointed out to me today that I’m boh reclusive and emotionally dependant. they pointed out a lot actually, and I’m still in shock from the revelations. I knew those tihngs about me, to a degree at least, but sometimes (us reclusive and emotionally dependant people know) that our actions and emotions don’t always seem real in our heads. They’re brought to life when spoken from another’s mouth.

Perhaps that’s more due to my writing. In a book, I can write my girl running in a forest in the early morning. Two seconds later, I could change it to my girl dying of thirst in a desert at sunset. My dreams are the same way- I say to myself that something didn’t go right, and ‘rewrite’ the dream as it were. So many revisions are bound to make me not trust my own thoughts, because they could change in a heartbeat.

Prompt:

Which of your friends know you the best? Your best friend that you’ve known for years and you trust with your life? Or that guy you hang out with once in a while, and you don’t put your best foot forward to impress him?

It’s that- or those- guys for me. The people I like the best probably see the least of me, in terms of true ‘me.’ But now i have a friend who I like, and can be myself with. She and I are very similar, to a degree that it’s an extension of my own thoughts. this should put me off, seeing as the familiarity with my own conscious mind is often nauseating, but I find it refreshing and welcome. This must mean I’m learning to like myself.

When the fourth twilight book came out, I didn’t want to read it. Just like I didn’t want to read the 7th harry potter- in short I didn’t want to see it end, and never have anymore books to look forward to in the series. So, to prolong the inevitable (because I do very much want to know what happens to Bella and Edward. So much that I’m avoiding the internet for fear of stumbling across spoilers), I went back and I’m re-reading the first three books. I’m in the middle of the third at the moment, and I am offended.

I don’t remember if I was offended like this the first time, even though that was only a few months ago. I probably was, I just didn’t have a blog to document the anger :) That might be the key to letting go, but oh well, this is part of my writing advice blog and it is relevent.

***SPOILER ALERT! STOP READING IF YOU DON’T WANT SECRETS Of ‘ECLiPSE’ RUINED!***

Roslaie tells Bella that she shouldn’t become a vampire because vampires can’t have babies. This, Rosalie stipifies, is the curse of being undead. Rosalie regrets not having children, Esme desperately treats everyone as her child to make up for the loss, and Alice doesn’t remember being human enough to know what to miss. Am I to understand, then, that every human with a vagina would be horribly disfigured by the loss of ability to have children? Is that our only perpose for existing? WOW, that’s rich.

Careful, miss mormon author, your special underwear is showing…

Now this might piss me off more than other people because I myself left the mormon church for the very fact that women are treated like baby machines put on kitchen duty. Growing up, girls are virtually brainwashed to marry at 20, have a baby immediately, and continue to breed until 30 or so. There’s no life in that for me, I felt immediately rebellious towards it, and that’s why I now attend the spiritualist church. For me, talk of sacrificing myself for husband/children is no where near as uplifting and fullfilling as meditating. And that’s my personality, so I try my best to understand that some women do want children, and I am usually very good at tolerating that.

What I can’t tolerate is being told that I’m evil, unnatural, and selfish for not wanting children. Twilight didn’t necessarilly go that far (not like some mormon women i’ve met) but I was offended at the assumption that all women care about is birthing. Authors have to rememember that while they have the freedom to create a world wherein everyone is like unto them, but that doesn’t make it very believable or very good.

I love the twilight books, but her mormonism does show. The vampire wants to protect her virture? Bella lives to cook and clean up after her father? It’s hard to believe that everyone is so polite. I’m not sure the book would be as good if the author changed, so I’m not saying that I wish she would remove the ‘mormon screening’ from our narrative lense. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that it bothers me that I can tell she’s mormon, without having to read her mini-bio about attending BYU, having three children and being a SAHM. By giving me signs to link her back to a past that I’m still not to terms with, she’s come very close to alientating me as a reader. The advice there is that if you write well enough it could cover a multitude of your other sins (it’s impossible to offend no one)

Prompt:

What about your work could be considered a ‘hot spot’ to possibly alienate future readers? Write a letter of apology to an angry reader over the hot spot, and explain about why you included that portion. Explore the idea of your work if that hot spot was removed. If it can’t work to remove, then tell that to your offended reader, explaining how it’s essential to your theme, even if it didn’t seem essential to the theme your reader saw. 

After that, write a letter to a writer that offended you. Now that you’ve begun to understand both sides of writing offense, you may want to include your insight. For example: I would tell Stephanie Meyer that I was offended by her assumption that a woman’s life is incomplete without children. On the other hand, though, I understand that she most likely meant that children are a blessing rather than essential. Just as I feel like a main character of mine would shun children and the married life, I understand that her women characters express strong opinions that the author carries. Thus, although I feel the twinge of offense and anger, I will attempt to let it go. Especially because it doesn’t do anyone any good. 

Saying goodbye is so hard. I’m good in the moment of goodbye, the moment of saying it, when you’re still technically in eachother’s company, for which reason the goodbye doesn’t feel tangible. In that moment, when the other person is breaking down and realizing that we wont see eachother again for a loooong time, I’m holding up well. It doesn’t matter that I tell myself, while looking into that person’s eyes, that I need to realize how long it will be before I see them again (if ever), it’s as if I can’t get my head around that fact until it’s too late. I suppose I’ve become a master detatcher- atleast while in the ‘moment.’

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, sorry! Lots going on. I went to the grand canyon for a while, then as soon as I got back I started right away in school. Then my best friend tells me he’s going to be in Iraq for at least a year and a half. (hence my exploration of goodbyes) He leaves tomorrow and so I guess things have calmed down a little now. Back to the blog. I’ll need it to straighten my head out while he’s gone :( This must mean it’s sinking in how long he’s going to be away. le sigh.

Hey, if we writers didn’t experience misery, we wouldn’t have anything to write about. Am I write? (ha… bad pun. I can’t promise I’ll never use that one again)

Prompt:

Re-say goodbye to someone from your past. Write out what you wished you could have said differently, or maybe write what you wanted to hear them say. Thinking back, do you wish you would have tried harder to not let go? Or with your present perspective, do you think it had to happen the way it did? Pick a goodbye that was especially heart breaking. At the time, you felt like your world was being torn to shreds. Either explore what really did happen, make it narrative, or change it to better understand what could have happened if you hadn’t/or maybe had held your tongue. This is good for resolution.

Personally, I’m too close to the goodbye I said tonight to think about re-living it (too painful, so I have no perspective on it). But, I do have a goodbye I wish could have gone differently. My dad died of brain cancer in 2005, and it nearly took him the whole year to do so (short in terms of cancer, but it wasn’t like a heart attack or a car crash). I had that whole year to talk to him and tell him things I needed him to know, or atleast to just hear more of what he had to say. Unfortunately, since I’m so “good” at handling the moment of goodbye without thinking out the repercussions of it, I barely got in any closure with him. Understandably, after so many months of watching my father deteriorate mentally and physically, I HAD to withdraw from the situation to keep my sanity. But it’s hard to convince myself that I couldn’t have done it better or differently. Yes, I am one of those people that believes in the after-life, and even that we can communicate with those who have moved on (not crystal ball, sweetheart, i’m talking within ourselves we have the capacity). So he is far from being gone forever, but never can I be convinced that it’s the same as when he was here with me, on earth, and alive.

Knowing his spirit is hanging around, looking out for me and my family, is kind of like the things I got told tonight so that I wouldn’t miss my friend as much: he’ll get the internet there, you can video chat with him, he can call/text you. Bah! It’s not the same. :) Anyway, the point is, that my most difficult long term task in life is to find peace again after something in my world was torn from me. That is why this prompt is especially important, because in order to move on without becoming a psycho bitch, I need to look back on things with a calm mind, and to come to terms with how things will never stay the same- but that’s ok.