yourwords

Saying goodbye is so hard. I’m good in the moment of goodbye, the moment of saying it, when you’re still technically in eachother’s company, for which reason the goodbye doesn’t feel tangible. In that moment, when the other person is breaking down and realizing that we wont see eachother again for a loooong time, I’m holding up well. It doesn’t matter that I tell myself, while looking into that person’s eyes, that I need to realize how long it will be before I see them again (if ever), it’s as if I can’t get my head around that fact until it’s too late. I suppose I’ve become a master detatcher- atleast while in the ‘moment.’

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, sorry! Lots going on. I went to the grand canyon for a while, then as soon as I got back I started right away in school. Then my best friend tells me he’s going to be in Iraq for at least a year and a half. (hence my exploration of goodbyes) He leaves tomorrow and so I guess things have calmed down a little now. Back to the blog. I’ll need it to straighten my head out while he’s gone :( This must mean it’s sinking in how long he’s going to be away. le sigh.

Hey, if we writers didn’t experience misery, we wouldn’t have anything to write about. Am I write? (ha… bad pun. I can’t promise I’ll never use that one again)

Prompt:

Re-say goodbye to someone from your past. Write out what you wished you could have said differently, or maybe write what you wanted to hear them say. Thinking back, do you wish you would have tried harder to not let go? Or with your present perspective, do you think it had to happen the way it did? Pick a goodbye that was especially heart breaking. At the time, you felt like your world was being torn to shreds. Either explore what really did happen, make it narrative, or change it to better understand what could have happened if you hadn’t/or maybe had held your tongue. This is good for resolution.

Personally, I’m too close to the goodbye I said tonight to think about re-living it (too painful, so I have no perspective on it). But, I do have a goodbye I wish could have gone differently. My dad died of brain cancer in 2005, and it nearly took him the whole year to do so (short in terms of cancer, but it wasn’t like a heart attack or a car crash). I had that whole year to talk to him and tell him things I needed him to know, or atleast to just hear more of what he had to say. Unfortunately, since I’m so “good” at handling the moment of goodbye without thinking out the repercussions of it, I barely got in any closure with him. Understandably, after so many months of watching my father deteriorate mentally and physically, I HAD to withdraw from the situation to keep my sanity. But it’s hard to convince myself that I couldn’t have done it better or differently. Yes, I am one of those people that believes in the after-life, and even that we can communicate with those who have moved on (not crystal ball, sweetheart, i’m talking within ourselves we have the capacity). So he is far from being gone forever, but never can I be convinced that it’s the same as when he was here with me, on earth, and alive.

Knowing his spirit is hanging around, looking out for me and my family, is kind of like the things I got told tonight so that I wouldn’t miss my friend as much: he’ll get the internet there, you can video chat with him, he can call/text you. Bah! It’s not the same. :) Anyway, the point is, that my most difficult long term task in life is to find peace again after something in my world was torn from me. That is why this prompt is especially important, because in order to move on without becoming a psycho bitch, I need to look back on things with a calm mind, and to come to terms with how things will never stay the same- but that’s ok.

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