Aug 20 2008
Like I do
Some people give straightforward answers, whether it might hurt your feelings or not. On one hand, I’m grateful to those people when I see their true opinion, and on the other hand I scoff at their lack of courtesy. People say only a true friend will tell you whats up, and I think it’s true that only some people understand you and want to know you enough to actually look to see what’s there beneath the surface. I’d like to think I cherish people, but honestly I try my best not to offend them, which means I try my best not to see who they are- in case I should overstep some boundary.
My ‘true’ friends pointed out to me today that I’m boh reclusive and emotionally dependant. they pointed out a lot actually, and I’m still in shock from the revelations. I knew those tihngs about me, to a degree at least, but sometimes (us reclusive and emotionally dependant people know) that our actions and emotions don’t always seem real in our heads. They’re brought to life when spoken from another’s mouth.
Perhaps that’s more due to my writing. In a book, I can write my girl running in a forest in the early morning. Two seconds later, I could change it to my girl dying of thirst in a desert at sunset. My dreams are the same way- I say to myself that something didn’t go right, and ‘rewrite’ the dream as it were. So many revisions are bound to make me not trust my own thoughts, because they could change in a heartbeat.
Prompt:
Which of your friends know you the best? Your best friend that you’ve known for years and you trust with your life? Or that guy you hang out with once in a while, and you don’t put your best foot forward to impress him?
It’s that- or those- guys for me. The people I like the best probably see the least of me, in terms of true ‘me.’ But now i have a friend who I like, and can be myself with. She and I are very similar, to a degree that it’s an extension of my own thoughts. this should put me off, seeing as the familiarity with my own conscious mind is often nauseating, but I find it refreshing and welcome. This must mean I’m learning to like myself.
I don’t know that anyone really knows me. My mother-in-law may understand me more than anyone else, but she can only see me through her own experience. I don’t think there is anyone I share most of myself with. Maybe I’m reclusive and NOT emotionally dependent.