My freedom is growing on me. Yesterday I went to an aerobics class in the am with my mom, and that freed up my whole day, like I was accomplishing something. Made me feel useful, even though I did absolutely nothing of use the rest of the day.
But last night I took a shower, did my hair, makeup, dressed nice, and met a guy at a coffee shop. He was matched with me on a dateing site, and we got along well enough through emails, but face to face? A dud. You know why? There was no spark, no instant attraction. While we sat for hours discussing things of mutual interest, I was staring at him thinking “I could get over the lack of actual physical attraction if I was attracted to his personality.” Sadly I wasn’t. I’m a sucker for a confident guy. They don’t have to take charge, no, it’s more of a presence. A sense of relaxed self esteem. They can sit back, have a decent conversation, without once fidgeting with their cup of iced chai. Unfortunately those guys are more usually than not jerks. Which is why I fall for the jerks, and disregard the well meaning, but sadly boring, nice guys.
It also might have to do with my recent break up. He was a good looking low self esteemer, who was very gentle and kind and easy to talk to. But in his insecurity, treated me badly when it came to sexual contact. That was where he took out his frustrations. I know not all low self esteem guys are like that. But the bitter memory of it is too fresh to disregard. And so I move on. It would be nice to be friends with this guy, we do have a lot in common. That’s how me and my ex started though, a failed date, ended up friends, then three years later he was holding me down to his bed. I don’t want to have to learn that lesson twice, so yes I’ve been made to fear relationships.
Prompt:
There are many reasons to write in a daily/weekly journal. My dad wrote in a journal because it was suggested by his church to do so, and leave a record for one’s posterity. My old therapist used to suggest journal writing so you can take the issues out of your head, and leave them on paper. Good for clearing stress. As for me, I write blogs to straighten out the jumble of words tumbling in my head, so I can make sense of them. Usually by the end of a journal entry, I’ve come to a conclusion of sorts as to why this particular issue is bothersome, and perhaps how to fix it. Mostly, I like to get to the bottom of internal and external conflicts, atleast to some degree.
Why do you write journals? Or why don’t you?
