Jun 18 2009
Big Hard Sun
My life is not hard right now. Not by a long shot. I hate saying that, because as a writer I feel like I should live in constant iniquity. So, usually I make things out to be harder than they are, to give me something to whine about.
In just such an attempt, I have a story about eating alone. Today I went to California Pizza Kitchen all by myself, in the interest of cheating on my diet with the very food I constantly crave. But it was so sad, I looked down at my hands when I told the host that I was a party of one. Even sadder wen he sat me down at a booth built for four. It swallowed me up in emptiness.
If I had been smart with this, rather than noble, I could have brought something productive to do. Like, heaven forbid, my book so I could get some writing done. But no, I thought to myself it’s bad enough that I’m eating by myself, and drinking by myself, I will not sit there with my nose down and buried in a notebook. Suck mistakes made in the face of pride. The outcome was my extreme discomfort and boredom.
With no one to share my meal with, I called someone I shouldn’t have. It’s funny the people you consider talking to when you’re alone. A guy I swore never to speak with again suddenly became a very viable meal companion. For some backstory; he’s my ex boyfriend. I never should have dated him in the first place. It was a lonely, unthoughtout attempt to change my situation.
In the end, I found I regretted many many more unthoughtout ‘decisions’ or lack of, throughout our short relationship.
When it was all said and done, I realized that I never wanted him, not even as a friend. And so I decided, in pride, that I would never see him again. It only made sense, since I didn’t have any desire to.
Then, all alone, sipping on a strawberry margarita, I pulled out my cell phone and got the ex to come visit me at the California Pizza Kitchen. Dumb Dumb Dumb move. It reminded me of why I never particularilly liked his company.
People do the dumbest things when afraid. I was scared of being pitied. In that fear, I struck out desperately to fix what I thought to be a monumental problem. Instead, I initiated a far bigger problem for myself, by opening a door that I spent all these months closing. One thing I can say about my ex is that he teaches me a lot about mistakes, and what to learn from them.
